SOS II: Sins of Spira
by The Elf Monster
Summary: Documenting Tidus' quest for balls, this is a fan fiction adaptation and parody of Final Fantasy X as told by me, your humble narrator The Elf Monster.
1. Sure, Why Not

_Now, this is a story all about how_

_my life got flipped, turned up side down_

_And I'd like to take a moment just sit right in_

_'Tell you how I became a hero from a place called Zanarand!_

_I grew up in Zanarkand born and raised_

_On the playground is were I spent most of my days_

_Crying all day and swimming in the pool and_

_Playing some Blitzball outside the school_

_When a giant monster who was up to no good_

_Started making trouble in the neighborhood_

_I got in one little fight and Auron got scared_

_'Said "your moving to besaid a thousand in da future!"  
><em>

* * *

><p>"Stop being a damn pussy!" said Ject Sparrow, Captain of the Zanarkand Abes to his son Tidus. Ject was a manly dude with a tattoo of something on his chest and a really sweet red headband. Tidus was a blond, androgynous little boy wearing shorts. The shorts were ripped so that one pant leg was longer than the other. The two were on a Blitzball court, practicing.<p>

"But daa-ad." he whined "I want to play games that are not Blitzball, like Quidditch!"

"Shut up, boy! Quidditch is for Brits and Canadians anyway! Real men play Blitzball!" Tidus began to cry... again.

"Oh, come one! I didn't even do anything to you this time!" he said, then muttered, "Damn I wish I had used a condom..."

This may sound depressing, but it was just another day in the Sparrow household in ancient Zanarkand. Tidus had lived his whole life as a crying little pansy. His dad taunted him often, so it won't surprise you that he grew up and became the greatest Blitzball player in the whole world. What's that? It does surprise you? Well this won't be the first time. Flash forward to the present day, Tidus is at the world series of Blitzball in the Zanarkand Awesome Dome when he is bombarded by his adoring fans before the game.

"Sign my Blitzball!" said a fan.

"No, sign mine!" said another.

"Me too!"

"Hold on, there's plenty of ink in this pen to sign most, if not all of your Blitzballs!" said Tidus, writing his name on all of their Blitzballs. (Sphere Count: 1)

Suddenly a whistle could be heard in the dome, the great sport of Blitzball was about to begin. Tidus ran to the court just as they were starting the water sphere generator. (Sphere Count: 2) A huge sphere of water was created from absolutely nowhere and the huge, mysterious machine somehow kept the ball of water aloft as if by some magic or technology that was never adequately explained.

"Tonight we honor a great man!" said an announcer over the loud speaker.

"Oh great," muttered Tidus under his breath.

"That great man was Captain Ject Sparrow. The former star player of the Zanarkin Abes, a great man indeed. He disappeared ten years ago, leaving us with his replacement: Tidus. I sure wish we had him instead!"

Tidus sighed, but then got over his anxiety about his father long enough to get pumped for the big game. He jumped into the big sphere of water and swam to the rest of his team in order to get his game on. Blitzball, for those of you uninformed is a game identical to soccer, but with a ridiculously high drowning risk and requires impossible machinery. It is also neither fun to play nor is it to watch. Meanwhile a huge tidal wave began to engulf the city of Zanarkand. Some metal music began to play in the background. Tidus saw the huge wave while making an impossible shot towards to goal. There was a one billion foot tall monster in it! Tidus was knocked out and flung across the whole field, the huge, suspended water sphere collapsed as well, sending several tons of water crashing down on top of him.

The next thing he knew, Tidus was awoken by a bad mother fucker by the name of Auron. Auron is a samurai with a big ass sword and a huge jug of booze at his side. What a boss!

"What was that monster I saw?" Tidus asked him waking up and crying.

"That is called Sin." He responded. "Lets go!"

"All right, where to?"

"Just follow me, its hard to explain and really it wont make any sense anyway."

Tidus followed the bad ass samurai across the main street bridge. Sin hovered ominously overhead. It shook and large flakes of... I don't know, dandruff? came off and sprouted legs. The dandruff attacked Tidus and Auron.  
>"Take this sword, you fruit cake!" said Auron, handing Tidus a sword. "We gotta kick some ass!"<p>

"Will you be okay? It looks like your arm is hurt or something."

"All I need is a big ass sword and some booze, and I'm cool." he said swigging from his huge flask. "Alright, lets do this thing, you do know how to use a sword don't you?"

"Sure, the pointy bit is for poking right?"

Auron sighed and took another drink. "Sure."

Auron kicked the little dandruff flakes' asses, or whatever. Tidus, uh... helped I guess.

"Lets go!" he said after the dandruff had been slain. The two continued onward. Eventually they encountered a large thing from Sin's body, I don't know what it is. Auron killed this one two, Tidus also gave it a go, but mostly it was Auron again. A very large number of the little thinglets surrounded Tidus and Auron and Sin shook off even more. Auron knocked down a huge thing and crushed most of them. Tidus started crying and whining about how Auron took care of all the creatures and about how he never got enough attention from his mommy or something like that.

"Come on, don't cry dude. If it'll make you feel better. I guess you could look at the situation as a story. I'll even let it be "your story" if you stop crying." said Auron trying to comfort him.

"Really?"

"Sure, why not?"

Tidus was then sucked into a large plot hole.


	2. Oh Carp!

_Author's Note: When you guys criticize my spelling and grammar, could you please tell me exactly what I did wrong so I can learn? Especially grammatical errors. Thanks._

Tidus awoke from the plot hole mostly unscathed in a lake surrounded by ruins, he started to swim slowly to shore when a huge fish came out of nowhere trying to eat him.

"Oh carp! Oh carp!" he screamed, making a really dumb pun that I just had to use for some reason. He swam as fast as his Blitzball playing limbs would take him and got to the shore. He found the ruins to be a somewhat good shelter, except it was cold as hell. Tidus had to start a fire so he gathered some wood and another key item, (I'm thinking a fire bow?) When suddenly some atheists walked into the room. They were speaking some kind of simple letter substitution cypher. (Since when does that count as a language anyway?)

"Zru'c drec tfaap?" said one of the atheists

"Namekeuic hid?" said another. She ran over to Tidus and placed handcuffs on him. They dragged him out kicking and screaming. They put him on a boat. Tidus was confused and scared. Mostly because of the plot hole, but also because he doesn't know how letter substitution is solved. Once you know what E is... I digress.

"Hey, what do you atheists think you are doing? Who are you? Speak English!"

"Okay!" said the girl. "Whatcha need?"

"You speak English?" said Tidus, even though there was no such thing as England on Spira. "Yeah, some Al Bhed can. Others haven't taken it in high school. So who are you?"

"I'm Tidus. You might remember me as the star player of the Zanarkand Abes."

"Pedlr oui sicd pa lnywo!" said one of the Al Bhed atheists in the back.

"What?"

"Er, Zanarkand is a holy place. If I were you, I wouldn't say that around people. You might offend someone."

"Say whaaaaat?"

"You're weird. Anyway, it turns out that in order to stay on the ship, you need to do some work for us. If you don't we will just feed you to the fishes."

Tidus started crying. "Fine, I do what you ask."

"Cool, we're excavating some ruins. Come on!"

Tidus and the atheist jumped into the water and swam to the ruins. They didn't need to come up to breathe because shut up. Everything was awesome until a giant nautilus showed up.

"Its a monster!" said the atheist girl doing some weird hand gesture that I can't identify. Seriously what is that? She waves both hand in front of her like a total spaz! Anyway, the two of them fought the beast. Tidus found that he actually had something to do with killing the monster this time. The girl kind of sucks though, I guess that's it. The monster was murdered and Tidus and the little atheist swam to the surface after grabbing some things.

"Tet oui kad cusa luum cdivv?" said a dude.

"Huba, zict y pihlr uv lnyb. Drana'c yh umt yencreb tufh drana druikr, cu madc kad y lnyha haqd desa." said the girl. "Oh yeah, Tidus. Here's some top ramen! My name is Rikku by the way."

"Yay!" said Tidus going to town on the ramen. "I can haz cheezburger?"

"No, the cheese burgers are for us Al Bhed. Its not kosher for you people anyway."

"What's a co shore?" Tidus was sad because he got no cheezburger.

Just then, the Al Bhed started freaking out! A big monster that was neither nautilus nor carp had appeared. Tidus and Rikku beat it up though and the plot was free to progress.


	3. The Ya Ya Brotherhood

Apparently, the atheists didn't care for Tidus (can you blame them?) and Tidus awoke finding himself on a tropical island. Suddenly he was hit by a familiar sphere, a Blitzball.

"Hurray! Blitzball exists here too!" exclaimed Tidus as a tan guy with noticeably styled hair ran at him. Tidus kicked the ball in an impossibly showy fashion and the dude was impressed.

"Sweet virgin Mi'ihen! You sure can kick a Blitzball ya!" he shouted. "I don't know who you are amigo, but do you want to join our team ya?"  
>"Yeah!" said Tidus. "I'm Tidus, the star player of the Zanarkand Abes."<p>

"Yo, that's kinda loco ya! My name is Wakka."

"Well I'm offended, lets burn him!" said another guy on the team."

"Nah, Its a funny joke ya!" said the first guy. "He says he's from Zanarkand, but its funny because that's crazy ya! Its like one of those ironic things ya!"

"Ooh!"

"Ya, so welcome to the Besaid Aurochs Ya!"

"What's a Bee Shave or Rocks?"

"This guy is loco ya! Ya! Ya! Ya? Let's go play blitzball ya!"

"So, Sin. That's pretty crazy huh?" said Tidus and they walked into the nearby village of Besaid. There were birds singing songs all around and palm trees. It looked like Hawaii except Hawaii does not exist because this is Spira.

"Ya! Sin is here because we need to atone for our sins ya! We have to drink the blood of Lady Gaga and eat crackers ya!"

"That sounds insane."

"Don't say things like that about Straw Catholicism ya!" Said Wakka, referring to what is basically a straw man argument against religion. "Straw Catholicism is the one true religion ya!"

"Oh I see. I was joking again. You know me, I'm loco!"

"Ya! You remember how to pray ya?"

"Nope, your beliefs are stupi... I mean show me please."

"Ya, here it is ya! You make your hand like this ya." He made a 'V' for victory or a hippie peace sign. Either the Japanese or the hippies took over Spira a long time ago, I don't know which.

"Thanks for joining our team ya. We Aurochs never won a game ya. Our motto is '_try a little if you want or something_!' ya. Maybe that's why we lose all the time ya?"

"Yup, you should really change that to something like '_lets win_!'"

"That sounds good ya! I never would have thought of it if you weren't here ya!" he said. "There's a tournament for this game soon ya. We should enter ya! Ya?"

"Yeah lets do it! You know Wakka, I was sad when I time traveled somehow, but now that I have Blitzball everything is awesome!"

"Ya, that's cool ya! I lost the last tournament because I was distracted by something ya!"

"Lol WTF ffftff!" said Tidus being a dumbass.

The two of them walked up to a temple.

"Hey Tidus." said Wakka. "Don't offend anyone here. Its not cool dude... YA!"

"I know."

"How's the summoner doing in the Cloister of Trial and Error, ya?" Wakka asked a priest.

"What the hell is a summoner?"

"Tidus, you dumbass ya!" said Wakka "What did I tell you?"

"Um... I'm loco ya?" said Tidus.

"Ditz," said the priest backhanding Tidus. Tidus cried.

"I'm sorry ya! It wont happen again ya!"

"It better not. I'm hankering for an infidel burnin'."

Wakka took Tidus aside and said, "Maybe you're not from around here ya. Or from around now ya. A summoner is a person that summons pokemon to kill Sin. They are very important ya!"

"Oh... okay."

"Come one, lets go play Blitzball, use a save sphere, whatever those do, and rest until tomorrow ya!" (Sphere Count: 3 ya!)

That night dark dreams stirred in Tidus' mind. Memories of the day his dad went missing. Tidus had one fear: that he would never get to tell his dad that he hates him. I'm serious.

The next day Tidus and Wakka went back to the temple.

"No more bullshit ya!"

"I know, I know." They entered the building.

"The summoner is still in the Cloister of Trial and Error." said the priest.

"Hey Wakka," Tidus whispered to wakka. "What a cluster of tiles?"

"Cloister of Trial and Error. The summoner, and no one else, that means you Tidus, goes in there and solves some non-puzzles and gets a pokemon ya! You will never go in one, because ONLY a summoner does it ya."

"Well I got to save him!" Being the dumbass that he is Tidus ran into the door and past the guards.

"I smell cooking infidel!" said the priest running after him.

"God dammit Tidus! Ya! I'm a guadian, ya! I am so going to get excommun..."

"SHUT UP DUDE!" said the priest.

"Oh yeah ya."

Tidus was in the Cloister of Trial and Error. He had no idea what to do and no walk-through either, so he just ran around for a few hours, putting his balls into every hole he could find. (Sphere Count: 4) Eventually he got the right combination of holes and balls and "won", I guess. The summoner, a cute girl wearing a kimono, emerged from a room in the back crying. Two people, a woman and a wookie greeted her.

"What starter did you choose?" said the woman.

"Piplup."

"Kimahri likes Piplups. Kimahri can't wait till it evolve." said the wookie.

"What a nice choice." said the woman. "Who the hell are you?" she just noticed Tidus being an asshole.

"I'm Tidus!"

"I'm Lulu. What are you doing here?" she was dressed like a goth and sounded like Jane from _Daria_.

"Forgive me, Yuna, ya!" said Wakka showing up. "I should have killed him ya?"

"Kimahri don't want to kill infidel."

"Yeah, I agree." said the girl. Let's see my first pokemon shall we?

Because Yuna said it was okay for Tidus to live, the priests did nothing to him. Yuna waved a big stick around and spoke softly. A penguin appeared.

"Wow! Awesome!" said Tidus, staring at Lulu's cleavage.


	4. Rock the Boat

Author's note: It's been a while, if you've been waiting then, I'm sorry. I no longer have internet so I'm using the internet at work. Today I'm uploading this and a bunch of a new parody series for the Da Vinci code. Since Final Fantasy X is one of my favorite games, and I need to make fun of something I actually hate, it looks like a new story is needed. I'm still doing this though, but probably more slowly.

After the demonstration of Yuna's first pokemon, Tidus walked up to Yuna in order to try and hit on her.  
>"Stay away from the summoner!" said an old lady. Tidus took a step back, but then tried it again.<p>

"Stay away from the summoner!" she said again. One again Tidus tried to walk to her.

"Stay away from the summoner!" again he tried.

"Stay away from the summon..." again

"Stay away from the su... Stay away... Stay...St...St...St...Stay away from the summoner!" Tidus was amused by this repetitive old woman and kept doing it for five more minutes.

"Hey!" said Yuna. "I heard you were going to a Blitzball tournement. That means we'll be sharing a boat!"

"Wow! That's cool!" said Tidus. "I'm from Zanarkand!"  
>"Stay away from the summoner!"<p>

The next day, on the boat, Tidus, Wakka, Wakka's Hair, Lulu, Lulu's boobs, Yuna, and Kimahri along with some kind of mafia or something in the back took off on their voyage.

"You might wanna know about these things we got called materia ya, no not materia ya. What are they called again ya?"  
>"Spheres!" said Lulu. "There's a lot of different kinds and you can put them in this thingy called a sphere grid, which is like a skill tree only harder to read." (Sphere Count: 5)<p>

"Kind of like leveling up?" said Tidus, "We got that in Zanarkand too."

"Ditz." she replied. Tidus made a sadly.

"I believe you," said Yuna. Really she didn't, but she just wanted him to stop whining about it.

"Really?"

"Sure. There's this awesome dude I knew named Jecht. He said that Zanarkand used to be pretty awesome!"

"I know a guy called Jecht, he's my dad. I hate him."

"Can't be the same dude then, the Jecht I knew was cool."

"Oh yeah. One day, I'll take you to Zanarkand."

"Maybe." she said.

Tidus wandered around the ship, but the plot was going nowhere fast so he finally tried going to sleep.

That night Tidus had a dream that he was on a dock telling Yuna about Zanarkand. Then Rikku showed up.

"Don't take her to Zanarkand, take me instead!" she shouted, doing that weird wave of her's. Then Auron showed up.

"You might think this is foreshadowing some kind of love triangle, but its not."

"You, with a woman?" yelled Jecht. "I thought you were gay!"

Then Tidus woke up screaming "I hate you! I hate you!" over and over again.

"This guy is loco ya?" said Wakka. "You want some tacos ese?"

"Okay!" said Tidus. Tidus ate the tacos and Lulu and Wakka went into the back and started talking. They talked about some dude named Chappu, who died trying to murder Sin. Chappu was Wakka's younger brother, the reason he was distracted in the tournament is because Chappu died about that time. And that is why Tidus was a dumb-ass in chapter 3.

"I'm going to retire ya, after the tournament ya!"

"Good, then you can do your job as a guardian right for once." said Lulu.

"Hey, we should be near Kilika now ya! Lets tell Tidus ya." Then suddenly the ship rocked.

"Sin is attacking!" shouted some guy on the deck. "Lets harpoon his ass!" Wakka, Lulu, and Tidus ran onto the deck where Yuna, Kimahri were. The crew proceded to harpoon Sin's ass when Wakka and Tidus were thrown overboad.  
>"Damn this Sin ya!" shouted Wakka underwater somehow. "Lets hit him a bit!"<p>

"Yeah!" Tidus and Wakka smacked Sin around for a bit, then got back on board. When they did, they found that Sin had just annihialted the village of Kilika. Of course all of the Kilikians begun weeping openly at the loss of their home town.

"Don't be sad ya! Its like a happy pool party! Haha splah splash!" Wakka is a bit of a dumbass too.


End file.
